Manifesting The Love I Deserve, Part II of III
Manifesting The Love I Deserve, Part II of III
The second piece to manifesting love. How a trip to Tulum helped me meet myself exactly where I am and opened my eyes to what I deserved.
In October 2022, I ventured on a yoga retreat in Tulum, Mexico.
This was my first time flying over a large body of water out of the country, and I honestly had a lot of fear around this trip.
I went not really knowing anyone, and I went at a time when my life was completely “up in the air.” I had booked the trip while I was still working at my former agency job and by this time, I was working for myself and had just moved into a new apartment. I was worried about money and the experience itself was totally out of my comfort zone.
However, I made it safely in one piece and when I got there, I began to reflect on my intention for the trip.
Why did I want to sign up for it so badly only months before?
I decided I wanted to go on this trip because I was hoping to find a past version of myself. I had been looking for a version of myself, the one before I went off to college and found my college boyfriend. I used to believe that the younger me had a ton of confidence, and while she carried it well, I realized during a challenging yoga practice during this retreat that my inner teen was exhausted.
She was tired of carrying the fear of being unloveable, of hating her body, of not being enough, or of being too much for others, of putting on a show and telling people what they want to hear so she could force connections.
For so, so long I had been trying to revive her, when all she wanted was to finally rest and allow her future me, the present me, to be free. And I was finally starting to feel that.
During a holotropic breathwork session on this trip, I saw all versions of me playing out in a vision - my inner child, my inner teen, my current me, my future self, my next life - with the phrase “life is beautiful” whispering through the clouds. I began to weep because I knew what I was leaving behind, but I also recognized what I was stepping into – limitless potential and my true, authentic power.
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When I came back from Mexico, I decided what was next for me was to keep expanding.
I wanted to lean into the newness of this evolution. My lease on life was so greatly different from what it had previously been.
I was no longer afraid of the world, of myself. I wanted to keep working on myself but I realized I was ready to share space in an intimate way with another person. I wanted a relationship different from every relationship I had been in before.
I wanted to grow and expand as “me,” and find a partner who was growing and expanding as “them,” and, together, I wanted us to also grow and expand as “us.”
However, when I asked the Universe for a relationship, I didn’t ask for healthy, expansive love. Instead, I asked for someone with a decent job, ideally a more muscular frame, and someone who could carry a conversation.
And so that extremely blanket and superficial ask was the standard I was looking for when I started dating again.
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Now, If you’ve never been single in this decade, let me tell you something - it’s pretty scary out there.
It’s not ALWAYS hard to gauge a personality from a profile, but it sometimes is. There are lots of wolves in sheep’s clothing out there; men AND women who pretend to be someone they are not. I’ve done a lot of intuition work over the years, and I have to say that dating in 2023 was the truest test of how well I listened to and trusted my intuition.
There were a few moments where I caught myself being accommodating to men, which stirred up my nervous system and started to bring up old feelings of doubt.
In April I was dating a guy who checked off all of my “standard boxes” - he had a decent job, a fairly muscular build, and although his spelling was horrific, he could carry a conversation - clearly, the Universe was listening. I enjoyed going on dates with him and getting to know him. The thing was, he gave me an overwhelming amount of butterflies. I would stay up half the night in a state of anxiety and couldn’t figure out why. As it turns out, he had a loving girlfriend in another state that he was trying to hide from me so he could have the best of both worlds.
I felt embarrassed and honestly kind of stupid and so I did something a past version of myself would do - dragged him for filth online.
This caused a state of grief I hadn’t been in in such a long time.
Not even over him, but over ME. I thought I healed this behavior and yet, it came back so seamlessly, I didn’t even have a moment to correct it.
I was scared I was going to let go of everything I’d worked so hard to achieve in my healing journey, I was terrified to fall back into old patterns, to hate myself again, and to forbid myself from experiencing genuine love and connection.
But that’s the thing with healing, my love.
We revert back to old patterns.
The real magic happens when we can give ourselves grace for falling into a behavior we used to live in, something we knew well; and then we allow ourselves to remember what about it didn’t serve us, and use it to course correct and move back into what we actually know is possible.
That’s what I did.
I told myself that I deserve the kind of love I give to myself. I deserve someone who is interested in all parts of me, someone who isn’t ashamed to love me openly, who makes me a priority, who has similar goals and values as me, someone who has worked on themself the way I’ve worked on myself.
Since I was beginning to understand that if I asked the Universe for it, I would receive it, I could no longer accept my standard list of superficial, super vague boxes.
I wanted something real.
Part III coming tomorrow.
All my love,
Adele