A lesson in self-compassion

Self-soothing and self-nurturing in times of fear on the journey to your authentic self. Hope your read this one.

There’s something wild about realizing you can self-soothe and self-nurture back to your authentic self.

I have felt extremely out of my element over the past two months. Everything I intended to do sort of fell off because I was caught up in a space of anxiety and deep, incurable loneliness. I wasn’t making enough money; I was entertaining people who didn’t “see” me and whose energy negatively impacted my own. I felt suffocated. As someone who has battled depression for most of my life, I could recognize it coming on almost immediately. I met with my therapist, who helped me clear some space in my head but my monkey mind was still as loud as ever. I realized that what I really needed was to call my anxiety and depression what it actually was - fear.

But the question was, what was I so afraid of?

I spent moments (though not as many as I should) in meditation and with my oracles. I pulled cards and journaled about everything I wanted for myself, everything I am calling in and the abundance that is already happening for me. I went to the gym and took the long way home on my walks to the post office or to get coffee. I breathed firey breaths in Kundalini class and even spent time in the cold plunge bath and infrared sauna. Things were moving for me but I still felt disconnected from myself.

Fear still remained.

I also felt this deep distrust in the universe; that everything I’ve been wanting and working toward wasn’t actually coming for me and that I’ve been fooling myself.

I booked an amazing Clarity session with my immensely magnetizing friend, Kyra, who really put things into beautiful perspective for me. Her clarity session involved breathwork, meditation to center myself and to call in my guides, a tarot reading, followed by oracle messages, and affirmation. With every card she pulled, the messages from the divine were so loud - “it’s all coming.” Everything that I’ve been asking for, praying on, is all coming. My guides have been calling me to rest, reminding me that all of the work I’ve been putting in is setting me up for everything that’s coming, I just have to let the universe take the reigns.

Everything was starting to feel good and then it felt difficult again. It was in that moment at the end of last week that I felt extremely compelled to pick up my journal.

I love journaling.

I think it’s so meditative to get your thoughts on paper and it’s so magical when you just let the stream of consciousness move uninterrupted on the page. Plus, it’s a great reference point to look back on a few months later and go “damn I really moved forward from that” or “wow look how I called that in.”

And I’ve been journaling almost every night since.

I found my journaling practice blossomed into something really healing for me. A lesson in self-compassion, really.

With every journal entry that I write something negative I'm feeling, I find myself expressing compassion to the girl writing, allowing her to feel this way, and honoring her for being so vulnerable. My vulnerability. My authentic truth. My superpower.

I want to share an excerpt from something I wrote the other day because I have been struggling to put any effort into my coaching business, which I was so passionate about just a few months ago.

I found myself journaling excuses as to how I can accomplish all of my goals around coaching without actually being a coach. HUH?!

And I recognized it as crazy talk and fear almost as soon as the words hit the paper. I then wrote “why don’t I think I’m worthy of being a good coach?” I responded with this fear of failure because I don’t have someone telling me where to improve or how to improve. I realized my whole life has been me being told what to do, shouldn’t I want to feel the freedom of getting to go with my own flow and live in my own ease? I began to call myself silly and actually started to feel silly. I wasn’t giving myself compassion. I was being hard on myself! iiiiiiiii was being hard on myyyyyyyself! No one was doing it for me. It was all me! I was succombing to an old pattern, a piece of my past darkness that served no purpose here.

I realized that I’ve been lost for a long time because I lost both of my guardians before I was 29-years old. Who can hold you when your parents no longer can? I’m absolutely going to have moments of fear and self-doubt.

I was immediately reminded that the person I deserved compassion from the most was myself. I’m still that gentle little 4-year old girl who knew no boundaries, who was out here learning for herself, experiencing life through trial and error. Even though I am 33-years old now, I still deserve the kindness and lovingness I would give a child.

The following is my compassionate brain dump -

“Oh, Adele <3. My heart is actually hurting for you. You are feeling lost because you used to have rules and someone who set them. You used to have someone you didn’t want to disappoint… But now you’re adjusting to the “no rules”/”no guardian” life and it’s strange territory. Of course you have a ton of fear! This is all so new… This part is still new and fresh and it’s challenging. But you’re allowed to give yourself permission to have no one else’s permission. You are not doing wrong by anyone. You are not failing. My sweet girl, you’ve got endless possibilities.

Start creating and making time to put your heart into your passions. Start tomorrow, love. Start now. Make plans for you. Prioritize you…

Abundance and success awaits you.

You have permission to be a powerful coach.

Spend time with your brand and developing messaging and your authentic identity. Everything will fall right into its place as you should.”

Followed by a list of actionable steps that included go to the gym, finish your books, plan a solo get away, have more spa days and less phone days - you get the picture.

But that brain dump was an extremely needed practice of self-love and self-compassion. Something I wouldn’t have thought to do before. An old habit would be to beat myself up and continue to isolate myself until I just couldn’t anymore. I’m just not that girl anymore. I love myself too much, I see so much promise in my potential that I simply can’t revert back to my days of self-doubt.

Who knew that my fear of becoming a great coach stemmed from an unhealed piece of me that was still mourning the loss of my parents and relationships that don’t exist?

I, too, needed to be reminded that fear is always a friend with the best intentions to protect and keep us safe. I’m so grateful to have that fear to protect me when no one else can, but I’m happy to reclaim my power and be my own protection knowing the Universe always has my back.