Tis the Season to Be Grieving
Sharing my experience with grief in the holidays and 5 beautiful ways for those experiencing grief to navigate through it this year.
The winter holidays are here, and while they tend to bring about feelings of joy and gratitude for many, some struggle to find the bliss when dealing with grief.
This grief can be the loss of a loved one or the loss of many loved ones, the loss of a significant relationship, the loss of a pet, the loss of a life they once knew, or an overall feeling of incompleteness.
I know this feeling well. I am approaching my sixth Christmas without my mother and my 16th Christmas without my father.
All my most cherished holiday memories involve my parents, especially my mom, who made every Christmas feel so special from childhood into my early adulthood. This time of year also haunts me because my mom suffered from a stroke in December 2017, and the catastrophic events of the weeks following that led me to decide to take her off of life support on January 2, 2018.
I recounted my dealings with grief on my old WordPress site, but have re-shared them here if it’s a read of interest to you.
I’m choosing to post about grief during this season because even though my life has played out so beautifully these past few years, I still deal with the occasional bouts of sadness.
Following her stroke, I spent the weeks before Christmas 2017 sitting with my mom in the MICU, and though she was unable to properly communicate, she sang along to the holiday tunes I played for her on my phone. She knew every word.
The Carpenter’s Christmas song, “Merry Christmas Darling” recently popped up on something I was listening to and I broke down in tears. This was one of the songs my mom so beautifully sang while lying in her bed in the MICU. I remember it vividly because right after she sang every line without missing a single word, a nurse asked her to tell him the date, the President, where she was… and she couldn’t do it. She simply couldn’t make sense of the present.
This was one of the last moments with my mom. Now every time I hear that song, it stings a bit knowing how it all unfolded after that. But during the holidays this is a song you can’t avoid.
Last year I was at a karaoke night with friends and as someone went up to sing, I heard the beginning instrumentals of “Merry Christmas Darling” start to play. I remember feeling my heart race and I could feel the pounding behind my eyes. I was in SUCH a good headspace at the time - WHY were these feelings drumming up? I knew if I didn’t walk out for fresh air I would just start bawling in this public place, and so I went outside with a friend and wept for a little.
It made me realize that no matter where I am with my grief and in my life, there will still be some unavoidable things that stir up emotion whether wanted or not.
Even though the holiday season still excites me, there will always be a tiny bit of pain in the memories of what once was. The holidays are hard for so many, but how we navigate that “hard” depends solely on our freedom of choice. This year, I am choosing to celebrate the season with joy and the flood of other emotions, small or large, that come with it.
Navigating grief during the holiday season
By no means am I an expert in counseling, but here are some beautiful ways to navigate grief this holiday season.
Say “no” to what’s hard.
I am a big advocate of turning down events when things feel heavy. I used to live by what I felt I had to do, like going to gatherings even though I was overstimulated and just wanted to be in my own space. When I finally decided I needed to honor MY feelings, I realized that what was required of me was peace and rest. I opted out of gatherings, and have even spent a few Christmases trying on new traditions for size - I flew to Texas one Christmas Eve and spent the holiday with a friend. I even chose to spend the last two Christmases alone in my own home, making braised Italian meatballs and watching my favorite Christmas movies, and then visiting family the days after. I said “no” to the pressure of showing up for everyone else and honored what felt right for me, without canceling the holiday completely.
Allow grief to kick in.
This is a controversial take, many people might advise that you put a hold on your grief so you can enjoy the season - but I have to remind you that grief is often a sign of great love. It is an emptiness where a fullness used to reside. You have permission to feel it. The key is to not allow the sadness to dictate how you treat yourself. It’s truly about listening to what the grief is asking you to do. When your grief kicks in, take notice of where you feel it in your body. Hold that space - maybe your face, your heart, your stomach. What messages come up? What is that grief trying to tell you? Sometimes it’s just asking you to be present - to honor the memories you have but to find ways to make new ones, keeping your loved ones in mind as you do. How will you find joy in the season while also honoring the grief it brings?
Honor your losses.
Every year since my mom passed, I try to decorate two trees. One in my pink and rose gold color scheme and one with all the Christmas ornaments my mom and I took pride in putting up every year. I listen to our favorite Christmas music and picture her snapping her fingers and singing along to “Jingle Bell Rock” while telling me the origin of each ornament from her childhood and mine. This year, I intend to do the same, and this time with my partner Joe. I’m so excited to share this tradition with him, decorating the tree and telling him the origin of our beloved ornaments, so he can also know the joy of holidays with my mom.
Move your body.
One of the best ways to navigate through grief is by letting your body be your guide. Movement is such a supportive tool for our mental well-being in general, yet, this time of year most people don’t do it enough. Bundle up and take a walk to look at the lights, go ice skating with your friends, practice yoga, or have a dance party around the tree. Give your body the somatic movement it needs to process your emotions.
Remember that experiencing joy does not mean your loved one is forgotten.
We sometimes feel that when we experience joy in our time of grief, that it will replace the memory of what we’ve lost. This could not be further from the truth. Happiness is our birthright. You can still grieve what is lost and be happy about the magic surrounding you. Sharing in the joy of the season is the best way to honor yourself and the memory of your loved one(s).
I know that the holiday season might not always be as merry and bright as we might want it to be. I hope you remember that even though your situation might be unique, you are not alone in grief. Remember to ask for support when you need it. Put up the tree, create new traditions, and listen to the song, even if it brings you to tears.
Always here to hold space for you.
Merry Christmas, darlings.