The Fear I Know Too Well
Anxiety working for me and not against me, and how life should actually feel.
I almost talked myself out of writing this.
Lately, I’ve been dealing with an overwhelming sense of anxiety.
Restless nights, unprompted irritability, feeling small, and spiraling deeper and deeper into a pit of shame and insecurity.
I was stressed about a work project, making money, launching a new coaching offer, the fact that my new jeans were too short for my liking, when I’d see my boyfriend next, calling my family members… Everything just kept building up.
I know what to do to reset my nervous system and, yet, no part of me wanted to do any of it.
Before my transformational awakening, I used to live in that state.
In 2021 alone, I was prescribed multiple pills for anxiety, bipolar depression, and insomnia. I was prescribed a medical cannabis card to help aid my anxiousness, I put CBD in my tea to help me wind down at night, and I was constantly going out drinking as a way to avoid sitting with my depression.
I wanted nothing to do with these feelings of scarcity and lack of control of my life.
But I healed from that. I worked through all of that. I discovered that the root cause of my instability and insecurity was fear. Fear that I was alone in this world; fear that even though I wanted to be in a different career, I wouldn’t be able to succeed anywhere else; fear of no longer wanting to be a homeowner.
In 2022, after completing EMDR therapy and working with a holistic life coach, I finally regained all of my power and control.
I don’t take prescription drugs anymore. I rarely use CBD or cannabis (except I did consume an edible before bed a few weeks ago and let me tell you - the wormhole I went down instead of sleeping was enough to make me realize I’m not doing that again). I hardly even drink anymore and if I do, it’s not because I’m trying to numb something, it’s because sometimes a glass of wine (or 3) pairs nicely with salty popcorn and catching up with your best friends after they put their kids to bed.
Last week I couldn’t believe I was feeling unstable again.
I had JUST spoken with my business coach about the work I am doing empowering ambitious individuals to reclaim their power by breaking out of the haze of mental blockages so that they can find MEANING and PURPOSE and attract a life of freedom and self-sovereignty - just as I had a few years before.
However, here I was, feeling powerless all over again.
How could I possibly empower other women and men to take back their power, when simultaneously, I was neglecting to claim my own?
Last Friday I took a “self-care” day - mostly because a thing I was stressing over for work got canceled, so I had nothing else to do. I took a bath, ordered Chinese food, closed all the blinds, got in my comfies, and binge-watched all of Sex Education season 4.
As the credits rolled over the finale, Aretha Franklin’s version of “Let It Be” started playing. And it was then that I figured out how to deal with my anxiety.
I needed to let it be, knowing the answer would come to me when it was ready to.
As soon as I gave my anxiety permission to speak clearly, it became so apparent to me.
I recognized my “anxiety” as the fear I knew too well.
And when I sat down with my fear and asked her what she was so afraid of, the answer was loud and clear —
I’m afraid to be seen.
I’m afraid of my success.
I’m afraid of my happiness.
I’m afraid of being outside of my comfort zone.
I’m going to be so for real right now - lately, I’ve been thriving.
I’ve been getting right with myself, reflecting, learning, living, loving. I’ve been embracing my body and enjoying cooking seasonal foods. I’ve been getting into my astrology and human design type. I’ve been ditching the people and things that don’t make me feel like my best self. I’ve been honoring my inner youth and giving almost every past version of me exactly what they’ve craved for so long and then some.
However, there was still this piece of me that was afraid that everything was becoming way too good.
I’m in my first real relationship in over a decade, and probably my first safe one ever. I’m making more money than I’ve ever made before without really even doing the whole 9-5 thing. I’m finally launching a real coaching program. I’m certified in Level 1 Reiki, and about to be certified in Level 2 by the end of the month. A lot of it has been EASIER than I ever imagined it to be, so of course I’m having some moments of fear.
The conditioned ego is all, “Wait a min… It’s not supposed to be this good!! Is it??”
Baby, yes! Yes, it’s supposed to be this good!
The thing is, we are conditioned to be afraid of what’s out of our realm of sight.
We are afraid to get out of our zone of comfort because it’s easier to stay the same.
Last week I realized that things are shifting for me in a major way. I realized that I was putting in the steps to make even more of my dreams come true, and that actually frightened me a bit.
I got stuck in a feud between my conscious and subconcious.
My conscious brain was excited to dive headfirst into doing a good job at work, becoming more visible online to launch my business endeavors, making more money to accomplish my big (but within reach) financial goals, and being a better partner, but my subconcious mind saw this extra passion and excitement around building out my dreams as a threat.
It’s NOT what I’m used to.
But… it is SO good to feel good.
Feeling good means you’re in a position to attract even better.
The problem is that we really do like to stay in fear. The subconcious thinks it’s safer there.
As I said before, last week I knew exactly what I needed to do to get out of my anxious state - breathwork, Reiki, EFT tapping, yoga, journaling, taking a walk, actively resting, soaking in the bath - and I could not bring myself to consistently do these things until I was able to figure out the root cause of my fear.
And as soon as I did, I knew how to self-soothe and get myself back on track.
Part of that was overcoming my limiting beliefs.
I needed to work through why I was afraid to continue my upward climb to fulfillment and happiness.
I needed to affirm for myself that if it can be possible for others, it can be possible for me, too.
I needed to remind myself that I am so beyond deserving of a happy life; that everything I touch turns to gold; that I make the world better just by being here.
I needed to remember that I create abundance from an infinite source.
I needed to recognize that everything is happening FOR me, not TO me and that this happened FOR me to remind me to be so grateful of where I am today.
I needed the reminder that I made it through 100% of the things I was SCARED to get through, and I came out brighter and more energetic than ever.
I needed to reclaim my power, baby.
I’m willing to bet you have something that you want so badly but fear is holding you back. I’d love for you to share with me - What would you do if fear didn’t hold you back?
Send me an Instagram DM. I’d love to know!
Love always,
Adele