settling inn... to breastfeeding

how can something so natural be one of the hardest things i’ve ever done?

“Do you plan on breastfeeding?”

…is one of the very first questions you get asked when you get pregnant, and you never really stop getting asked until your baby is here when it switches to, “Are you breastfeeding?”

I’ve known since I was young that I wanted to breastfeed my future children. I don’t know where I first saw someone breastfeeding to have even put the idea in my head, but I used to mimic breastfeeding my dolls. It’s like I understood how natural it was from the get-go.

Breastfeeding seemed so effortless.

I admired my friends who would just throw their baby on the boob and continue to carry on conversations like nothing.

My mom told me about a co-worker who brought her infant to a meeting (maternity leave in the U.S. is simply not long enough). When the baby cried, she popped open her blouse at the conference table, latched the baby on, and continued her presentation even while everyone stared at her - some in disbelief and others wildly impressed.

Like - that’s so bad ass!

When my midwife first asked if I planned on breastfeeding, I didn’t even have to think about the answer.

A few weeks later, a friend of mine who was a trimester ahead of me in our pregnancy journies mentioned that she was not sure if she would be able to breastfeed because of a breast reduction she had a few years before.

In all of my pregnancy anxiety and excitement, I suppose I had regarded my own reduction as a minor detail.

I had forgotten that the surgery can cause some serious trauma to the breast - specifically around the nipples and the ducts. I do recall that when I was weighing my reduction options, I asked my surgeon if it would impact breastfeeding. He assured me that the type of reduction he performed would not cause issues.

I then spent hours researching if it was even possible to breastfeed after a reduction. A lot of medical sites and Reddit threads said it was possible, but it might be very hard - some ducts may no longer be connected or may be scarred over, the areolas might not express milk, etc.

I told my friend not to worry and that she would probably still be able to, but it began to make me question if I would be able to “naturally” feed my baby when he arrived.

The thing about breastfeeding is that if you’re not doing it, people will make you feel like garbage about it.

“Breast is best!” They’ll say.

“Oh, you’re exclusively pumping? Well, your baby won’t get the benefits of being up to the breasts.” Is another thing they will say.

“INTRODUCING A BOTTLE WILL CREATE NIPPLE CONFUSION AND YOUR BABY WILL NEVER EVER LATCH!” They, who are not doctors or pediatric dentists, will yell.

This adds additional stress and struggles for mothers who are already juggling hormone dips and the overwhelming trenches of the newborn phase. My baby wasn’t even born yet, and because of everything I had been hearing about breastfeeding, I was panicking about whether or not my child would get fed.

I collected as much breastfeeding information as possible for the duration of my pregnancy. I learned about “liquid gold,” or colostrum, the first breastmilk to feed your baby. It is thick, yellow, and extremely nutrient-dense; you only need a bit of it to give your newborn the antibodies they need right out of the womb. Their little bellies are so small that they don’t need much colostrum. Your transitional milk starts to come in a few days later. It is yellow, too, but it gets whiter and thinner and comes out much heavier than colostrum. This process should last about two weeks when your mature milk, which will last your whole breastfeeding journey, finally comes in.

I wanted to get ahead of the game, so for the weeks leading up to birth, I tried to start expressing colostrum. First, was the hand expressing, then came using my hands-free breast pump to pull it out. However, I did not understand how to express anything from my breasts, and I definitely didn’t understand how to use my pump yet. I had no idea if anything would come out by the time my baby was born, but I was assured by so many people that colostrum is different from milk, and not producing colostrum is extremely rare, which made me feel a lot better.

When my friend delivered her baby, she told me she was able to produce colostrum for her baby. Realizing that she was able to feed her baby from her breasts, she began to breastfeed her baby exclusively. I now had confirmation that I could produce SOMETHING for my baby.

However, after her first visit with her pediatrician, her baby had lost weight - not over a concerning threshold, but close. She was feeding him often, but she was so tired from having a bit of a traumatic birth that her body desperately craved a break. She introduced formula early on and noticed a world of difference in her baby’s behavior and how he went to the bathroom. This made her feel more certain in her decision to formula feed.

I have heard horror stories from friends who have gone to their first and second appointments where their babies have lost their pre-birth weight, and were humiliated by their pediatricians and lactation consultants for not feeding their babies enough. Yet, the instructions they give them is to breastfeed MORE.

Here’s what sets me off - this shaming happens most of the time to first-time mothers who have never done this before! They most likely aren’t producing as much milk as the veteran moms; their bodies have literally never made it before. There’s also a giant learning curve between Mama and Baby regarding latching. Their little mouths can’t always take in as much of the breast as they need, and if you’ve never breastfed before, you don’t necessarily know how to get a deeper latch without consulting someone. Mothers who have experienced some birth trauma or extra stress also struggle to produce milk right away. There are also a plethora of conditions that make it hard for babies to latch, which makes it hard for them to feed.

Breastfeeding, though one of the most natural things you can do for your baby, is not as easy as you’ve been led to believe.

At the hospital, I learned how to breastfeed from my doula not even an hour after I delivered. My nipples are pretty flat from the reduction, so it made it hard for my son to latch. The hospital provided a nipple shield, a little silicone cover with little holes in it that goes over your areola, to help with the process. He latched immediately and began feeding.

However, whatever I was producing was not much, because by the time we made it to the maternity floor, they told me his blood sugar was low and suggested supplementing with donor breast milk (which can add up in cost) or formula for the time being. Since he was a bit on the bigger side when he was born, they had to check his blood sugar every two hours. Whenever I gave him formula, his blood sugar increased. Whenever I fed him from the breast, his blood sugar decreased. I felt shame about my body’s inability to feed my child.

Before leaving the hospital, I made sure to meet with the lactation consultant, keeping her in the room for a full hour, asking her questions, and having her show me how to use the hospital-grade breast pump. We tried to pump colostrum, but it didn’t look like too much was coming out.

Once I started actually pumping, - after hitting a snag when we left an important piece of the pump at the hospital - I noticed my transitional milk came in. It was not a lot at all, but it gave me hope.

I continued to pump exclusively while we fed the baby formula and whatever I had pumped. My mature milk came in around Thanksgiving, and I was able to feed him with the nipple shield and pump about an ounce per breast.

I thought this was impressive, but I later discovered that it’s really not all that. I started taking Brewer’s Yeast, drinking Mother’s Milk tea, eating lactation bars, and doubling down on hydration. These all seemed to help, but I still didn’t feel like I was feeding enough.

We had multiple pediatrician appointments during my son’s first month home. Even though he only lost a small amount of weight from birth, they still wanted to make sure it was going up. It was down again at the second appointment when we were formula feeding and giving him what little I was pumping. By the third appointment, when we increased the formula and I started to see my transitional milk, he was back to his birth weight.

I finally had some days where he was almost exclusively breastfeeding, but the following day it felt like I couldn’t keep up with his demand. I know the body doesn’t stop producing milk, but I was not confident that he was getting enough. He also had full days where he couldn’t find the nipple and he would get so upset - too upset that I couldn’t console him long enough to feed him.

I met with another lactation consultant who weighed him, had me feed him with the shield, and then weighed him again. From his weight in under half an hour, she determined he had gotten about 2oz. She told me to continue breastfeeding with the shield and topping him off with formula if that made me comfortable while my milk supply continued to increase.

Finally - the light at the end of the tunnel! I thought I was at the end of my breastfeeding battle. The shield was doing wonders. And then I noticed he started having miserable gas pains. He was so irritable and upset, which in turn, made me upset. I just kept feeling like I failed him. I knew he was getting fed from me, but at what cost?

So much of my self-worth has been tied to my ability to breastfeed my child.

I KNOW I shouldn’t be giving this so much thought, but the days when he seems satisfied with my supply are the days when I feel on top of the world. The days he is fussy or visibly uncomfortable are the days when I feel defeated. I KNOW this is ego that is making me believe I have to do this a certain way, even though it’s been hard for me to keep up with.

We had his one month pediatric appointment and his doctor asked how breastfeeding was coming along now that I had the lactation consult. I told her it was definitely happening but it was still slow and we were still supplementing. I was almost fully expecting her to tell me to keep trying or to give up.

But you know what?

She told me it doesn’t matter - all that matters is that he is fed.

“So many people will tell you that ‘breast is best,’ but ‘FED is best.’ It’s old school to think there is only one way to feed. Ignore all of the stuff you hear about formula vs breastfeeding and nutrition and weight. You are his mom; you clearly care about him and want to make sure you are doing the right thing. From what I can see, you are. And you’re breastfeeding and supplementing formula - you’re giving him the best of both worlds with your antibodies and he’s getting all the nutrients he needs.”

It took everything in me to not start bawling right there in the office.

“Thank you,” I said. But what I wanted to say was, “Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for understanding that this is taking over every aspect of my life. Thank you for recognizing that I love my child so much that I’m willing to sacrifice my pride to make sure he is fed and healthy.”

I thought about my friend and her formula-fed baby. That baby is SO happy and she is an excellent mother for making that call.

Some women cannot feed how they want to, and that doesn’t make them any less of a mother. If anything, it makes them bold and brave to choose to do what is best for them and their baby.

So, we as a society, need to mind our own business regarding how women feed. And if we do ask, we need to agree not to pry or meet them with judgment.

We should just let each others exist and be the best mother they can be to their children - nipples or not.

As for me, my breastfeeding journey is NOT over. I plan to keep feeding and pumping and trying new things for as long as my supply allows me to do. Who knows, maybe we will be supplement-free in a few months… I don’t know what lies ahead for the future, but what I do know is that my baby will be fed.