Manifesting The Love I Deserve, Part I of III
I manifested my dream relationship, but not without years of self-doubt and struggle. A personal, heartfelt, three parter.
Those who know me well know I have been notoriously single for over a decade.
At first, it wasn’t on purpose.
Then it was.
Then it wasn’t.
And then it was all over again.
When my college boyfriend and I broke up I was absolutely devastated, although I can’t say I’m shocked it happened.
At that stage in my life, I was extremely insecure and, quite frankly, I was difficult to put up with. We started dating during our sophomore year at school and throughout the entirety of our relationship, I had crazy bouts of jealousy toward his circle of girl-friends. I had this insatiable desire to feel in control of him, to almost feel more powerful than him so that I couldn’t be hurt by him. And even though I knew I loved him and thought I wanted to be with him and him alone, after some particularly challenging days, I couldn’t help myself from flirting with other people.
I was shocked to discover this abusive behavior was because my wounded inner child had me living in survival mode for years and not just because of my Scorpio Sun and Libra Rising.
Our breakup happened during our senior year of college and I remember thinking, “How could HE do this to ME?” as if I played no responsibility in our split. Instead of recognizing the hurt I put on him, I was so embarrassed that he broke up with me and not the other way around.
Admittedly, it took some time for me to realize the role I played here.
I actually had to lose some of my closest friends as a result of my insecurities for me to recognize that I wasn’t a “safe” person. The worst parts of myself, my shadow self, the parts I would normally keep hidden, were so prominent that I just naturally drove people away.
When I started to see my reality crumble, I eventually felt the sting of humiliation over how I acted toward him and his friends and even toward my own friends.
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My childhood carried trauma in ways I won’t get into now, but the way I had to often nurture myself left some great feelings of fear and riddled me with self-doubt. My constant need to chase “safety” from someone else, led to one difficult romance after the other.
My high school relationships weren’t great. I had been cheated on, broken up with because of my weight, used for sex, and even had a partner who denied us being together around other people. Because there’s only so much belittling a person can take, I let these experiences dictate my self-worth, how I saw, and how I valued myself.
No wonder my college relationship was the way it was.
I had been living in my shadow self as my true self, and allowing the belief that I was unloveable to make me become just that.
The relationship became unbearably toxic and although it ended, what I took away from it was a completely dysregulated nervous system and the negative belief that I was not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, patient enough, and kind enough for someone else to love me.
The wounded feminine within me wept for me and the abuse I endured by my own doing.
Now - I tell this to everyone because I deeply believe in it - our physical reality serves as a mirror to our inner world. Meaning, everything we see in our physical reality is a reflection of our own thoughts and beliefs.
When you live in your shadow self you attract others living in their shadow selves as well.
In the years following my breakup, I would meet guys who treated me how, essentially, I thought I deserved to be treated; I felt that I wasn’t a good person and so I set myself up to be treated poorly - I allowed myself to be manipulated and taken advantage of by men living in their own wounds. The kicker here is that, for the longest time, I would retreat into a negative headspace and convince myself that I was being treated badly not because I was living as the most unhealed and delicate version of myself, but instead because I was overweight.
Damn, a novel of apologies couldn’t convey how deeply sorry I am for how I treated my body throughout my ENTIRE life.
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After working on healing my wounds and discovering my light through EMDR therapy, working with a holistic life coach, embarking on my own meditation and abundance journeys, and finding so much inner peace, I fell in love with myself for the first time since I was a little girl.
I felt like I not only saw myself for the first time but that I recognized myself.
I recognized that I have an amazing and quick-witted brain; that my soul has been here quite a few times and has collected more strength and wisdom than I sometimes know what to do with; that joy emanates out of my bright green eyes and sings through my words; that I possess abundant talent and creativity; that I don’t need to chase safety in the arms of someone else, I know how to self-nurture, and am safe with myself;
and, that I am physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually beautiful and worthy of self-love and capable of giving love and being loved in return.
This great shift in mindset cracked open my world as I knew it and so began a new book in the series of my life; one filled with self-worth, healing, and manifesting the love I desired.
Parts II and III coming later this week.
All my love,
Adele