I've been accidentally sober for 30 days. Here's what I learned...
a month of accidental sobriety but more importantly, the lessons i've learned along the way.
When 2023 started, I decided that I was going to use my kitchen calendar to keep track of how often I drank alcohol. I want to say that I do not believe I have a drinking problem, however, don’t most people who have drinking problems believe they don’t? 🤔 Even though I don’t believe it’s an issue for me, I have a long-standing relationship with drinking that started even before I was born.
Alcoholism is in my family tree.
Grandfathers, uncles, cousins, etc. have all battled with alcohol abuse and some still struggle to this day.
The closest relationship I’ve had with someone with alcohol abuse was with my dad. My dad was an alcoholic long before I was born and continued to be one until I was almost a teenager. Later in life, I would joke in therapy that my dad had joint custody of me and Budweiser, and the beer saw him more than I did. Which isn’t that clever of a joke, seeing as he didn’t really have a great joint custody deal with me on account of his alcoholism - just one weekend a month and a few of the big holidays.
His battle alone instilled fear in my mom that I was going to grow up and struggle with alcoholism, too.
My whole bit as a teenager was to be the “rebellious only child of divorced parents” so I certainly found a way to start drinking way before I was of legal age. Whenever I got caught for it (on a few occasions), I not only got yelled at for it (plus a few groundings), but I also got an entire lecture on how I needed to be careful not to turn into my dad.
Even on my 21st birthday, I made a Facebook post thanking everyone for joining me at the bar and commended myself on taking 21 shots, which was met with a comment from my mom that I’ll never forget - “you must be so proud.”
And to be honest, at that time, I was proud.
Drinking was a social norm. 21 shots on your 21st birthday sounds horrific now, but as a partying college junior, it was a big accomplishment. In my younger years, if you could drink, you were somehow much cooler than those who couldn’t or wouldn’t. This isn’t super unheard of, right? Like drinking was really cool because it brought people together. I think most of my friendships were formed in the women’s room at a local bar or drinking in someone’s living room at a party. If we were hanging out with a group, there was alcohol involved.
Even into my early adulthood… we were boozing. Parties always had alcohol. Dinners out with friends always included alcohol and maybe going out afterward. My generation was basically taught that this is the norm - you drink to socialize. It’s not a problem! It makes ya feel good! It’s socialization! Socialization and self-esteem are two of good ole Maslow’s hierarchy of needs!
But when I crept into my 30s, drinking didn’t feel the same.
It felt fun while doing it, yes, but the next days brought about migraines, extreme discomfort, and so much anxiety.
I would find myself lying in the dark on the couch nursing a hangover thinking:
“What did I say last night?”
“Why did I drink so much?”
“Did I even have fun?”
“I hate that I can’t get anything done today because of this stupid hangover.”
Then the pandemic happened and when everything opened back up, most of us raced back into the bar scene in the hopes that we could make up for the lost time of socialization. But it actually felt pretty lonely.
I began to think, “Is this really what I should be doing still? Is this really how I am supposed to meet people and socialize?”
So I started this year off by deciding that I wasn’t going to drop it completely but going to pay attention to how often I did it and pay close attention to how I was feeling overall.
I did this on the calendar I keep hanging in the kitchen.
I typically mark the days as they pass with a big X, so I chose to just do a big \ through the days where I had drinks.
I started the year off with 10 out of 31 days in January and 6 of 28 in February.
This felt normal. I couldn’t tell you how many drinks I had on those days, but I knew I drank. And most of those drinking days were social gatherings, nights out with friends, and of course, dates.
First dates always include drinks. Why? Idk! THEMS THE RULES! I guess makes you less jittery? Maybe your drink order gives you something to talk about? Perhaps it’s that if you’re not enjoying the company, the buzz makes them more tolerable? IDK - it’s malarkey if ya ask me.
A rant for another day I suppose, but regardless, I was doing pretty good, and I was watching the numbers decrease even as I was getting out and socializing more.
And then in June, I met Joe.
Joe, my partner, has been sober for 4 years. He made this shift when he realized that his drinking was basically clouding his decision-making and was, in so many words, a crutch because he couldn’t be his authentic self in his life.
He’s done a lot of work on healing himself and, from what I know, is in a much more “free” state of mind.
So when I asked him if he would ever consider drinking again, knowing he is more in control of his life than ever, he was basically like “Meh. Why bother?” He made it clear that he didn’t mind if I drank, but he just wouldn’t partake. To be honest, my relationship with Joe shifted my personal relationship with alcohol.
I already seldom drink alone - I can count on three fingers how many nights I had a drink at home while “winding down” this year - but I realized that, with Joe, I could hang out with someone and not have to have a little liquor in me to do so.
I spent the better part of November into December moving into a new place, and I recently hung my kitchen calendar up. I started to mark off the days that I had missed starting from November 16th and realized that was the last time I drank. And that on that day I had two beers for my friend’s birthday.
That was a month ago from writing this (Dec 16th).
I didn’t do it on purpose?
I’ve seen people since then, too, I just haven’t drunk… On the 16th I went and had two beers with a friend for their birthday, and then I went home and I guess that was it.
What have I learned in the 30 days?
Honestly? Nothing new…
Maybe that if you keep yourself busy you ultimately just forget that it exists?
But truly, I’ve been consciously doing the work all year.
At the end of April, I had what I thought was a blossoming relationship, it turns out it was with someone who was using me to cheat on his girlfriend. And after I confronted him about it, I felt like absolute garbage. I told myself I was allowed to just sit with those feelings of loss and the impact it had on my self-esteem. I thought I got over it pretty quickly! So I went out for Cinco De Mayo on Friday and drank through the weekend. I was having fun and I wasn’t drinking to black out, but as someone who has turned into a major homebody this year, this energy just didn’t feel like “me” anymore. As I sat in the Uber on Saturday night going to the 4th(?) bar of the day, I realized exactly what was going on.
To preface, I loooove my self-awareness… but sometimes she sucks the fun right out of everything.
On that night, I realized that I was only out partying because I wasn’t over the situation with this guy at all. I mean, I was definitely over HIM, but my body wasn’t over how I had just been treated; how I thought I had something special with someone and I didn’t; and how I thought “fuck… now I’m going to have to put myself back out there.”
I was processing my emotions and I didn’t like the feeling of it, so I turned to what I had always used to cope - alcohol. I realized I was drinking to silence the parts of me that needed me the most; the parts of me that wanted me to stay home in my comfies watching my favorite movies, the parts of me that needed me to meditate, cry, scream, and send curses his way (#ScorpioVibes, mostly joking), and most importantly, I wanted to silence the parts of me that didn’t want to socialize or drink at all because it wasn’t going to FIX anything… just keep it quiet for a bit so it could be exacerbated the next morning during my hangover.
I discovered that throughout various phases of my life, my drinking has been about silencing the parts of me that have always wanted to be loud.
I drank when I was younger because I wanted to fit in even though I was comfortable with the amazing group of friends I already had.
I drank in college because I had so much anxiety around my body, being away from home, if I was smart enough…
I drank as an adult because I was unhappy and I was anxious.
I drank throughout my life because it was “fun”, more fun than just dealing with whatever I had going on in my head.
^ I will say that not EVERY TIME I drank was because of my anxiety or unhappiness…sometimes I just drank because I was genuinely having a good time… but a good chunk of my drinking stemmed from my depression and loneliness.
I did not need these past 30 days to tell me this.
I already figured it out a few months ago…
I noticed my triggers - how I was feeling, who I was with, what I was doing days before, and that made me realize that for me, I CAN enjoy an occasional drink as long as I’m MINDFUL about it.
Being aware of the external factors made the times I drank wine with my best friend on her couch after putting her littles to bed, or the occasional beers with my wings at my local haunt that I USED to go to every week, or the one Halloween cocktail my friend made for movie night feel enjoyable. In these cases, the hangovers were non-existent (except that one night at Erin’s when we stayed up way too late with the baby), and I could actually remember what the night entailed.
Now I look at the calendar of those days I marked with a \. I can identify what I was doing on those days, what I was drinking, how I was feeling. I can smile knowing that I was legitimately living in the moment, and those moments just happened to have alcohol involved and that I wasn’t setting out to find it.
I think that’s truly what made me “forget” alcohol was even an option these past 30 days.
I am at a point now where I don’t think I will give up drinking completely, but it’s no longer an active part of my life. It doesn’t need to be. I plan to continue tracking my drinks as having that clear indicator has made me more mindful.
If you are concerned about your drinking, or simply want to be more mindful about it, the kitchen calendar is a start. There are great apps out there that I’ve heard many people praise like Reframe and Sunnyside which are proven to help you reduce your alcohol consumption.
I’m also here to support you in any capacity that you need.
Be well, my loves!