I've been accidentally sober for 30 days. Here's what I learned...
a month of accidental sobriety but more importantly, the lessons i've learned along the way.
When 2023 started, I decided that I was going to use my kitchen calendar to keep track of how often I drank alcohol. I want to say that I do not believe I have a drinking problem, however, don’t most people who have drinking problems believe they don’t? 🤔 Even though I don’t believe it’s an issue for me, I have a long-standing relationship with drinking that started even before I was born.
Alcoholism is in my family tree.
Grandfathers, uncles, cousins, etc. have all battled with alcohol abuse and some still struggle to this day.
The closest relationship I’ve had with someone with alcohol abuse was with my dad. My dad was an alcoholic long before I was born and continued to be one until I was almost a teenager. Later in life, I would joke in therapy that my dad had joint custody of me and Budweiser, and the beer saw him more than I did. Which isn’t that clever of a joke, seeing as he didn’t really have a great joint custody deal with me on account of his alcoholism - just one weekend a month and a few of the big holidays.
His battle alone instilled fear in my mom that I was going to grow up and struggle with alcoholism, too.
My whole bit as a teenager was to be the “rebellious only child of divorced parents” so I certainly found a way to start drinking way before I was of legal age. Whenever I got caught for it (on a few occasions), I not only got yelled at for it (plus a few groundings), but I also got an entire lecture on how I needed to be careful not to turn into my dad.
Even on my 21st birthday, I made a Facebook post thanking everyone for joining me at the bar and commended myself on taking 21 shots, which was met with a comment from my mom that I’ll never forget - “you must be so proud.”
And to be honest, at that time, I was proud.
Drinking was a social norm. 21 shots on your 21st birthday sounds horrific now, but as a partying college junior, it was a big accomplishment. In my younger years, if you could drink, you were somehow much cooler than those who couldn’t or wouldn’t. This isn’t super unheard of, right? Like drinking was really cool because it brought people together. I think most of my friendships were formed in the women’s room at a local bar or drinking in someone’s living room at a party. If we were hanging out with a group, there was alcohol involved.
Even into my early adulthood… we were boozing. Parties always had alcohol. Dinners out with friends always included alcohol and maybe going out afterward. My generation was basically taught that this is the norm - you drink to socialize. It’s not a problem! It makes ya feel good! It’s socialization! Socialization and self-esteem are two of good ole Maslow’s hierarchy of needs!
But when I crept into my 30s, drinking didn’t feel the same.
It felt fun while doing it, yes, but the next days brought about migraines, extreme discomfort, and so much anxiety.
I would find myself lying in the dark on the couch nursing a hangover thinking:
“What did I say last night?”
“Why did I drink so much?”
“Did I even have fun?”
“I hate that I can’t get anything done today because of this stupid hangover.”
Then the pandemic happened and when everything opened back up, most of us raced back into the bar scene in the hopes that we could make up for the lost time of socialization. But it actually felt pretty lonely.
I began to think, “Is this really what I should be doing still? Is this really how I am supposed to meet people and socialize?”
So I started this year off by deciding that I wasn’t going to drop it completely but going to pay attention to how often I did it and pay close attention to how I was feeling overall.
I did this on the calendar I keep hanging in the kitchen.
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