it’s a struggle to write this right now
it’s a struggle to be in this position right now.
it’s a struggle to write this right now.
in 2023, i signed a lease on a 3-bedroom house so that joe could visit me more and so that we could start a life together in pgh.
i found out quickly that this house would drain me - energetically and financially - for a year and a half.
i’ve tried to make it a home, but have felt trapped in every way.
other bills have gone unpaid so i could keep up with the rent & utilities which are billed together, with no transparency, no budget billing, no grace period, making it impossible to pay on time.
in October, i had to buy a new car because mine unexpectedly died.
between rent, bills, and car payments i’ve found myself drowning.
i once felt abundant but moving here has brought fear and lack back into my life. i’m constantly worried that i will never catch up.
my partner has struggled to find work. he does have contract work here and there, but not enough to move either of our lives forward. he’s submitted thousands of job applications and had a few interviews, but ultimately, the state of the world has made the job market extremely competitive.
we have not given up hope, something is out there, we can feel it… but there’s still the lingering reality of it all.
while it’s been the best year of our lives watching our son grow up here, it has also been a hard year for both of us. two things can be true.
it’s been hard to recover and paying for a home that has offered us no grace does not make it any better.
we’ve spent countless dollars making it feel like “home” - cozy, safe, organized - but instead, it felt crowded and unmanageable.
do not get me wrong, it was “home” where it mattered:
it was where we got our dog greta - little gremlin that she is. where i spent 39 weeks pregnant and soaking in the tub. it was where we brought our baby boy home & spent weeks curled up in the living room or the bedroom. his first home. it’s where we hosted our first family thanksgiving. where i saw my best friend from college one last time before he passed. where joe laid with arms around his faithful companion chester as he crossed over.
it’s been through a lot with us.
but, we are losing it.
by the time this gets posted, we will have started the packing process. but with no backup plan. nothing set in stone of what comes next.
i have lost sleep over it but i’m beginning to come to terms with the fact that i will no longer be trapped in this vicious cycle of living expenses.
i have a chance to start fresh — if i can.
and its equal parts terrifying and exciting.
i think leaving will cause a sigh of relief. though it will bring problems of its own, i must cross those bridges when i get there.
this is a hard position to be in.
this is a struggle. i am struggling.
but i have faith and determination that we will move forward with grace and gratitude — we have to.
when i can finally breathe i will be (i am) abundant once again.