i owe my body an apology

I owe my body an apology.

This morning, as I put away another shirt that has not fit me since pre-pregnancy, I heard myself say, “I hate my body.”

No sooner had the words escaped my lips, I could feel my heart break - after all, my body’s heartbreak is my heartbreak. How cruel to devalue the worth of my home, the space my soul chose to inhabit during my time here on earth.

I immediately began to hold space for myself the way I would for a friend.

Placing both hands on my stomach, I whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

This stomach that has doubled in size, housed the uterus that built and carried a human life just 7 months ago.

This belly with its pattern of different color stretch marks expanded farther than I ever thought it could to accommodate constructing an entire existence from a microscopic egg.

These breasts that I hated for not making enough milk did their best to provide my baby with hydration, protein, and antibodies to help him grow in the first 4.5 months of his life.

These arms with their flab have held my son tight during all of his stages thus far. Instead of looking at them as unattractive, I remind myself that they are his safe space and I pray they always will be.

My double chin that I call “ugly” when I see it in the mirror or every picture I take, is the same chin that my son sees when I am looking down at him and he’s looking up at me. The same face he searches for in a room full of people and smiles when he spots it.

The dark circles under my eyes. I no longer try to hide them with make up. They remind me of the restless nights of rocking my baby in my arms, being his solace as he falls back asleep.

My body is both battlefield and victor.

I owe my body an apology for ever thinking it was less.