I feel a little like I'm drowning, but it's not even that deep...
A very real insight of where ya girl is at mentally right now. Talking money, my business, and my BUSINESS if you know what I mean.
We know I have a whole content plan this month, but I would be remiss if I did not talk about where I am mentally this week.
On New Year’s Eve, I put it out into the Universe that I wanted to heal my relationship with money, grow my businesses, and find a romantic partner. It’s already February 10th, and the Universe said, “Oh, bet? You’re finally ready? We were just waiting for you to ask.”
MONEY TALK & MY BUSINESS
I read “You Are a Badass at Making Money: Master the Mindset of Wealth” by Jen Sincero as part of my coaching training, and I actually told myself earlier last year that my money trauma was healed. Except - I wasn’t asking for more money anywhere. I was still spending money on material things that weren’t making me happy: going to events that I didn’t want to go to, nights of drinking, and things I didn’t really need on Amazon. Instead of spending money on experiences that lit me up, I was essentially wasting it on things that drained me, so no, I didn’t have a healthy relationship with money!
My money situation has been WHACK. Absolute chaos lately. To the point that one of my best friends said to me recently, “Are things okay? I feel like I’ve never heard you talk about money like this before.” In full transparency, things are not okay, and yet, somehow, everything is fine. I keep asking the Universe for enough to get me by, and I am so grateful because I keep receiving, and it’s always enough to get me groceries, keep the roof over my head, pay my big utilities, and make small payments where they need to be. It has taken being in these moments for me to realize that I have always had everything I need. Do I have to miss some nights out? Yeah. Usually, the nights I didn’t want to be out for anyway. It’s taken this for me to realize how important budgeting is and how necessary it is to be disciplined with money. It’s also shown me that paying for EXPERIENCES is much more significant than paying for things. One week I had an extra $100, and I used it to take a beginning sewing class and buy a little sewing starter kit for the class. I’ve always wanted to learn to sew, and I was so excited to be able to make that small investment in myself.
Because I am healing my relationship with money, I realize I never want to have significant debt again. I’ve had a lot of time to sit with myself and see what I need to bring in and what I need to save for, so my financial goals for this year are very aggressive. With that said, it was extremely hard for me to focus on my coaching business, this Settling Inn project, and some upcoming media pieces I’ve been working on because I have been worried about finances. Since my income goals are big this year, I needed to find full-time work and consistency again. This time I am way more aware of what I need from a job, and I know what I can give. I have been applying and interviewing, which has been a job itself, and I hope something pulls through soon! I have complete faith that once that is all put in place, I can also start to pour my soul into my side projects with ease and without burnout.
FINDING SOMEONE WORTHY OF ME
Something I’m going to talk about a bit this month is dating. As many know, I have not been in a real defined relationship in like… a long time. I knew where I’d been hurt in past relationships and where I’d hurt my partners, and I knew that I needed a whole lotta healing before diving into something serious. I didn’t put the effort into my healing until 2021-2022, though, but as always, I am exactly where I am meant to be, and my timeline is my timeline for a reason.
Anyway. I decided this year I’m ready and worth it. The thing is, though, I’m VERY worthy and VERY deserving, and it’s no longer an “anyone will do” type of situation for me. I’m at an amazingly beautiful part of my life where I need my next long-term partner to be someone I feel a deep mind, body, and soul connection.
The person I wanted to manifest was someone on a similar journey as me in terms of my spirituality. I asked for someone familiar with the holistic space. Still, I forgot also to ask for that same person to be someone I could meditate with and go to yoga with, who would plan trips with me based on our astrocartography readings (side note: Imma do a whole piece on this, and my reading from The Cosmic Passport soon). In the meantime, I was open to just having a little fun.
If you follow my friend Caleb’s podcast, Making a Martini: Up, Dry, and Straight to the Point, I did an episode in December about Dating in Your 30’s. The other guest, Phil, told me that Tinder is where he’s had the best experience finding dates. I said, “Really? I thought it was just for f*ckin.” He said, “Not anymore!”
So I downloaded it. I tried it out.
In January, I matched with someone who I was drawn to his bio. If I recall, it was all about how we can find the beauty in life when we look past the everyday structures and “shoulds” - you know, all the stuff that turns me on. And we instantly hit it off in our conversation. He said he was in the holistic space and told me to check his Instagram. He posted a lot about spirituality and consciousness… it made me slightly uneasy, but nothing I couldn’t work past after getting to know him better. We chatted a bit longer, both admitting we were excited to get to know each other more because, in addition to well-being, we had the same interests in music and books. The next day he asked if he could call me because he had about an hour to chat. That’s not normally my vibe, but I said, “sure.”
I’m glad that happened because he immediately started asking me about my thoughts on religion and then started giving me a free lesson on astrology and religion. He asked me what got me into holistic life coaching and my experience. I gave him a brief overview that my work with my coach lit something up in my soul and made me feel like this was part of my calling. He brushed it all aside and said, “Ok. Well, you’re definitely at like the beginning of this spiritual journey, which is good. You have to start somewhere. I’ve devoted my whole life to this, so there’s a lot I can teach you.”
He actually said multiple times during the conversation about how much he knew and, essentially, how little I did.
I instantly shut down. I was so taken aback by his dismissiveness. I grew up in a Christian family - I am VERY familiar with people who think they are better than others because of their faith. Although this man was essentially agnostic, he still used the guise of being “enlightened” to assert his superiority. Look, I know there’s a lot to learn in this world. I am aware that I’m at “the beginning.” You, sir, are also at the beginning, especially if you say your path is better than someone else’s.
It was very yucky. I had to cut off all communication because it made me so uneasy.
I asked the Universe for a spiritual man, and then Universe said, “Baby, you gotta be more specific,” and sent me that one. Well played Universe. Well played.
I spent the next few weeks after that getting yelled at by other men in their 30s for not giving them enough attention - I’m not kidding. I wish I were kidding. But now I LEGITIMATELY know what I want, and I asked for it. And I’m going to let the Universe do its thing.
TLDR; this sh*t has been crazy.
But let me say these first few weeks of 2023 have been nothing short of eventful. I feel a little like I'm drowning in my own chaos, but the water isn’t even that deep, y’all. I have been underwater and literally just realized that I could poke my head out. Like… how much of life is really just shit we bury ourselves under?! Crazy. But I just came up for air. I just caught my breath. I have complete faith that everything is about to go the way it’s meant to, and I’m ready to embrace it.
Back to our regularly scheduled content next week…